the most important blog post i'll ever write.

(the title of this post may be slightly exaggerated..)

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those things i need to do more of / things i used to do more of:

• sit at my sewing machine. daily. every day.

• flesh out my rusty decorating skills on someone else's apt other than my own. all of those classes were not for nothing.

• work on writing that novel. after having started two, i have finished none.

• travel. anywhere. just go. and take photos.

• use my big-girl camera. i should be doing this weekly, not monthly. its an expensive paperweight.

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i'm on the tip of it; its all there just outside my reach. do more of it, and it will come closer. it will make more sense, be more tangible, process makes progress and all of these important things are important. make time for them. they make you who you are. this is not a gentle reminder to do what you love, it is an order to do what you are good at.

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stop regretting having thrown away eight years worth of handwritten journals about seven years ago. all of that stuff still lives in my brain/heart, if i ever wanted to publish a memoir i could do it from memory easily. most of that stuff was just simple heartache amplified by my own inability to cope. no one wants to read that anyway.

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remember that people are busy. remember that patience is important. remember that quiet is good. remember that it will all happen eventually, whatever this "it" is. be honest, to a fault; your honesty is the only way to stay true to yourself. don't forget that not everyone understands that. keep close those who do. not every day needs to be filled with words and time and voices - have something to look forward to. don't forget to live and love while you're waiting.  

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go with your gut, not what everyone else offers up for opinions. its okay to make your own mistakes. everybody's got an opinion, but you have to live with yourself. talk when it feels right. say what you want to say. sleep better knowing you tried. if it helps, dye your hair; you can always change it later.

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on nights like tonight when its a little too quiet, a little too dark, a little too uncomfortable - plan out projects for the future, get excited about doing them, think ahead to the end and how good thats going to feel. give yourself a day or two of rest. take a break from thinking and just breathe. choose happiness over drama. be okay with yourself and others will be okay with you. these pep talks are important. keep it all in check, darling. you've got this. you've chosen to live with all of these things - so go live.

....its never been like that;

 

 lately i haven't wanted to listen to anything else.


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its been a month since i went to see paramore. its been a month since i took two road trips in one week. its been a month since i second-shot my first wedding and met a new friend. its been a month since i've even stopped to think about the impact that week has had on me since then. i've talked a lot to (only) my very best friends about some of it - but i haven't really done much talking to myself about it all. it was just a concert, just a couple of roadtrips, just a wedding, just some people. simple little life events - everyday occurrences. and yet, the past month has found me questioning and answering and staying up late at night, doing very little writing. i can always tell when things are changing, because i do very little writing. (i don't write until its over. i don't write until writing is all i have left.)

the new paramore album hasn't left my car and i haven't listened to anything else. this isn't surprising on basic principle, but on a whole other level i feel like every little song and word on it describes perfectly to the smallest detail whats going on in my head and my heart. at first, when i listened to the album months ago, there were songs that i loved loved loved but couldn't relate to at all. one of those songs got played on repeat six times on my drive home from work tonight  - i drove the long way just to listen a couple of extra times. having that to hold onto helps keep me grounded. hearing a single note helps remind me that i'm here. remembering that i was in the same room as all of that on such a big scale reminds me that i'm not the only one. having gone on that trip to that concert alone was the best thing i could have done - i've mastered the art of enjoying things by myself. i don't need anyone else to share things with as long as i can find the joy for myself. when i look at the photos i took, kept in my phone, i can feel all over again the heaviness in my chest that i felt when they played my favorite song. those are the things that nobody can take from me.

i still feel like i have things to prove to people about me. having been in an almost six year relationship that at the end left me feeling misunderstood, knowing there were things about myself that i felt like i had to hide, feeling like a lack of progress had left me uninteresting and stale; i'm still struggling to feel known. i know myself. i'm comfortable with myself. self-doubt creeps in and gets the best of me on a regular basis, but i'm confident regardless. i'm not always outgoing, sometimes i need other people to bring me out of my shell. but i know i have so much to give, to share, to create, to touch and feel and pursue. i can't compete with anyone else except myself. i'm not one of those girls who constantly needs attention, who has to be looked at and talked to and will put themselves in every possible situation in order for that to happen. i've got weird hair, tattoos, fun glasses, i'm not shy infront of a camera (even if its just my own) - but i can't beg. i'll gladly now sit back and wait for what i deserve before i'll fight for something that isn't worth it. i have spent years trying to fight for things that weren't worth it and i can't do that any more. 

having recently met someone who (very flatteringly so) found me interesting enough to spend a lot of time trying to get to know me, i know that these people exist. sometimes they exist clear across the country. sometimes they exist where you can't see them, or touch them, or even be in the same room with them. sometimes they are only a voice on the other end of a long distance phone call, or a bunch of tiny words and emojis in a typed conversation. this person is smart, attractive & interesting, with a sense of humor, and an obvious social life that most people would be jealous of. this person is the kind of person i'd spend all of my days with if i could find that here. ...there have been times i've thought i'd found that, but people are not always as they seem. and even now, i find myself to be too trusting, too enthusiastic, too afraid to lose what it seems i've just acquired. things come and go, people come and go. social media makes it easy to stay in touch with words, photos, videos, updates of all kinds everywhere from everyone; but it also makes it easy to see what you don't have. i've had to learn how to separate myself, and realize that what i think is important isn't always to anyone else - like, who cares about this blog post? social media creates a wide open opportunity to take what you want and leave the rest.

i think that guys either find me attractive, or intimidating. there is a distinct line between the two. i'm okay with who i am, i'm ready to settle the F down and make a life for myself. i'm nerdy and awkward. i can get comfortable too quickly. i like to daydream about what it will be like when i finally leave this city and do all of the things that i've always wanted to do, to see all of the places i've wanted to see. these are all things i've learned to love about myself, and i'm just waiting for the right time (which is any time, i suppose). i like communication, i need communication. i find dating to be impossible and am so averse to talking about myself for two hours with someone i don't know - inevitable, though, in order to figure out if it could work. how many chances do you give before you figure out it won't? sometimes one is enough. sometimes, though, you can talk forever if it feels right. i just want to listen to someone else talk. i want to hear about what they love and what makes them happy and what keeps them going.

what i'm trying to say, i guess, is that nothing is certain and not everything is fair. i could meet someone strictly by chance and hit it off, feeling like i've been looking for them forever... but, i can't say that about many people in my life. i have friends i've known for years who drain me of everything while trying to help them figure themselves out, but i've learned so much about myself in the process. i've had quick and unfortunate flings with guys i thought could be more than that. disappointment comes reluctantly, because i always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. you'd think by now i'd be more jaded than i am, but i refuse. even after being madly in love for two years with someone who wouldn't give me the time of day, i still see him and think wow you really missed out on me. it takes a lot of strength, though, to be like: your loss. its much easier to think that i'm the one missing out.

this post is all over the place, because thats how i've been the past month. over the moon excited, followed by what the hell am i doing? but i've enjoyed every minute, even when i've been confused as all get out. even when i've stayed up far past my bedtime. the benefits of travelling alone and meeting someone new far outweigh the drawbacks right now. but, thats right now. i don't know, as none of us do, what lies ahead for me. the anticipation of figuring it out is hard, the not being able to plan ahead is hard, the just letting go and being day-to-day is hard. but i'm getting better at it. i'm getting better at so many things. are you keeping track? this is not the me i was at this time last year. this is the me i've always wanted to be. with a few hiccups, still. 

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but if you're still here, i've done something right.

east to west coast mini quilt.

so there is this friend of mine who lives clear across the country - we do all of our communication via text & phone calls - with a three hour time difference. this friend of mine requested a mini quilt to be made and sent to the west coast for their apartment. the request was: make it "me", make it what inspires me. i started gathering fabrics five minutes later, and by the next morning it was cut, sewn, quilted and bound (measuring 12x18"). thats a lot of tiny half square triangles - but those are my favorite. i am pretty confident i could make every quilt from now until forever using only half square triangles. i used a lot of colors and patterns, some of my all time favorite fabrics, and instead of overthinking the design to death (like i usually do) i laid it out at random and only moved a few blocks around. its as "me" as i could get without cutting up and using my own clothes, decor, and favorite things. it was a little wonky in the end, but it was a fairly organic project and i was happy how it turned out. it was then sent off in the mail, accompanied by a mix cd of other things that inspire me. i love when things come together easily and quickly - if only all of my projects could do so!