what it means to me.

Yesterday I was lucky to enough to travel from Portland to Boston - if we are Instagram friends (or if you're my dude-bff via texts and a veryyy long late night phone call) then you pretty much got to see my entire trip start to finish already. But if not, or even if you did, here's the story. And what it meas to me.

Back in January I bought myself a ticket to see my most favorite band in the entire world - Paramore - in Boston on 5/15. Originally I was going to just drive down by myself and drive back home after it was over, about a 2 1/2 hour drive. I couldn't find anyone willing to go on a mid-week roadtrip, but going alone didn't bother me. My car being a piece of junk, though, was a problem.. Would it make it down and back in one piece? This resulted in my father surprising me last minute with an already booked night in a hotel right around the corner from the show, and a round-trip train ride. My dad rules. I will forever be 13 to him, but I get it. And boy was I ever appreciative and thankful!! A quick little trip became an adventure!

If you've been a follower here over the years, no doubt you've heard me talk about this band before. And my love for them. And, maybe in your own way, you can kind of relate: they're not just a band. For me, they're practically a way of life. I have felt so blessed and lucky to have someone like Hayley as an important being in my life, for the past seven years! We have practically grown up alongside each other. Soul sisters, if you will. Regardless of all of the crap and negativity the band went through a few years ago with members leaving, she pulled through optimistic and positive (though she has said not without going through a serious dark period first). 

More-so than anyone, she reminds me daily that its okay: to have weird hair, to be creative, to be passionate, to dress however the heck you want (even if it means striped pants), to love the music you love, to write about whats important, and to just be yourself no matter what. I can't really accurately describe on the depth that I feel these things - its pretty damn deep down in there. Its in the fibers that make up every little part of me. I think that its so easy to loose track of who you are, what you stand for, whats important to you, what kind of person you want to be. Especially if you're not sure! But having this band's music beside me constantly, means that I always know. As cheesy as that sounds.

Anyway, back to the show - It was at the House of Blues, and it was incredible. I stood up in the balcony so that I could see (being 5' tall make it hard being down on the floor ;)). I was seriously in my happy place. And in a room full (it was sold out) of thousands of other neon-wearing, multi-colored hair, skinny jeaned, Paramore-loving freaks! My people!! The crowd was insane, so loud and appreciative and excited.

 

I managed to snap a few halfway decent photos with my Iphone, and took some video for myself of some of my favorite songs.. It was hard being further away but nice little mementos none the less! Just a little something to carry around with me..

And thankfully lots of people have started putting their own videos on youtube, so I can relive it all up close any time I want to! :)

After the show, I went back to my hotel room and spent a couple of hours on the phone with my dude-bff who is three hours behind us, luckily, and also a Paramore fan (though a new one!). I had rushed all over - from working a half day all the way to Boston in a day and had been looking forward to this show for five months - it was surreal to be sitting on the king sized bed with my ears ringing and my heart still thumping, knowing it was all over. I stayed awake until the wee hours of the morning taking in the awesome view of the city from my big window, enjoying the giant bed, thinking about what a great experience I'd just had. A whole night's worth of good stuff to take with me. Part of me wanted to break down and cry, the other part of me wanted to jump off the walls.

Hayley said something that stuck with me, as an intro to one of their songs - she said, "Here in this room with all of us, you are loved and you are safe." And she was right - to be surrounded by so many people enjoying the same thing, all there for the same reason, its always a little humbling. Intense. Exciting. And to be entertained in a way that inspires you and comforts you - there is no other feeling like it. And shouldn't we all have that thing that allows us to feel safe and loved?

I headed back to Portland in the morning via train again - such a great way to travel. I am not sure I'd ever travel back to Boston any other way. And since I was going on about 3-4 hours of sleep, I made sure to get in a little nap. It felt fitting that I'd made the trip alone, by myself, without friends or lovers or family. Something I needed to do for myself, by myself. And I know that no one else would have felt the same way I did about it anyway. Its just one of those things.

So tomorrow I head back to work to round out the week, and I'm going to take my cloud 9 with me. I'm going to bottle up that positivity and energy and creativity, and use it the best that I can. I'm going to remember that its okay to be who I want to be, who I am, who I've been. I'm going to remember that its okay to do things alone - that I can do it, even if I'd rather not sometimes. And I'm going to be thankful. For so many things.

It isn't about past years, or mistakes or you know that guy who only calls when they've had a few too many to drink. It isn't about that one who would rather be with someone else. It isn't about the way you can't always help your friends or know the right things to say. It isn't about the way you sometimes feel like you can't get anything right or get out of your own way. Its just about being okay. And we are. I am.

around here.

My Yogi teabag today told me: bliss is a constant state of mind, undisturbed by gain or loss. That couldn't have felt more appropriate. And how true that is, and how easy it is to forget. I welcomed the reminder!

neighbors:

In the mail recently, I received the 5th season of Fringe (my favorite show ever), and Tula Pink's new quilting book City Sampler. I had pre-ordered both ages ago, so it was fun to finally get the package on my doorstep!

I asked my Instagram friends about the City Sampler - should I use my Tula Neptune & Saltwater fabrics, or neon? It seemed I got a resounding "both!" "mixed!", even by Tula herself. Seems like a no-brainer now. I think this will be my summer project (maybe while I watch Fringe..).

 

listening to: 

[this is me.]

For my potential amazing future mate, & for myself. This is me. 

I was just now standing in the shower, at 8:30 on a Friday night, thinking about how much I hate shaving my legs, and the idea for this post came to mind. I had half of it written in my head before I was even able to sit down at the computer, thus most of it is lost by now; but I'm going to do my best. 

When you first meet me, perhaps you will think that I am shy. I will tell you I'm shy, I will talk shyly, I will act and react shyly. But you will be confused, because I don't look shy - I have a half shaved head, I have a plethora of tattoos, and I wear a lot of neon. I have quirky glasses, I wear great makeup, and I own a lot of fun shoes. I don't look shy - but you will think that I am shy because if I come across as shy, then I won't have to explain to you about how many times my heart has been broken. Or about how many times I've been burnt by my own bad judgement from jumping in too soon. Or about how I maybe don't trust you yet. I will try to convince you that I am shy, but you will only believe it very briefly. Because I am not shy, and I cannot hide those other things about myself for very long. I will tell you about how I need to move slow but want to move fast. I will hide inside of this awesome and tiny shell until you prove to me that I can come out safely. 

I hope that you will be artistic, or crafty, or like to make things with your hands, or enjoy some sort of hobby. I'd rather not have arms than not be able to sew/quilt. Please understand that, when I'm trudging through a big project on a Friday night and have a deadline to meet so I can make some extra money. Know that despite the cash, which is helpful and welcomed, I do it because its what I'm good at. Its really the only things that my brain and fingers know how to do well together. It is probably the single most important thing to me in life, the thing I am the most proud of, and the one thing I will do forever. Please please please nurture this part of me. I want to be able to do the same for you, whatever your thing is. 

I'm nerdy and I like nerdy things. I have seen every episode of Fringe at least once, and if we're talking about season 1 then I've seen it all two and a half times. I love it so much that I will be dying to tell you how it ends before you've even seen how it starts, but I won't. But you'll have to really tell me to shut up, because I really like it. A lot. I loved LOST and Heroes and Carnivale and Battlestar Gallactica. (But, I don't like video games. *shrug*) ...I also really like things like forensic science and anthropology. And, I like books. A lot. I don't have a Kindle or an Ipad to read books on, I like the physical pages too much. But, don't ask me what the last book I finished was, because I'll be too embarrassed to say that it was the Fifty Shades of Gray trilogy - that my friends made me read. Trust me, it wasn't by choice. I'm nerdy and I'm not afraid to nerd out. I will get excited about these things anywhere these things can be found. Sometimes this means in public, so be ready for that.

I can shop for clothes in the kids' department at Target, and I often do. The pants are still too long and the shirts fit just right. That should tell you all you need to know about my anatomy. But don't be deceived - just because I'm nerdy and wear kids' t-shirts doesn't mean I'm not sexy. Because I am. And I like to match my sexy underwear to my outfits (and usually also my nailpolish). 

I only drink cheap beer, mostly because I have no idea about fancy beer and I stick to what I know. Bud Light has never let me down, and it has never made me vomit. If necessary, I will drink classic Bud. If necessary I will drink PBR or Stella; but don't be disappointed when I don't want to try your IPA's. They scare me, although I often find their labels and cans to be very aesthetically pleasing. I'm okay with drinking cheap beer, it doesn't make me feel more ghetto or less sophisticated. I like my beer watered down and inexpensive, I'm not ashamed. And I'm too old for liquor shots. But after a half dozen beers, I might forget about that fact. Chances are good that I won't be able to keep up with your drinking style and I'll be asleep by 10pm anyway.

Music is at the top of the list for me of things I can't live without (the rest of the list: good pens, my sewing machine, and a camera). I don't care what kind of music you love, but you should love it. And you should listen to it loudly. If you can get into what I listen to, I'll love you even more (and likely want to get into what you're listening to, too!). If you like Paramore, we might as well just get married now. If you don't like Paramore, thats fine - but be prepared to hear them constantly. Thats all I can say about that. You'll love them, I'll make sure of it.

Do you have tattoos? Do you like them? I don't have tattoos to be rebellious or weird or stick out in a crowd. I have them because I'm not ashamed to wear what I love on the inside, on the outside. I'm not afraid to sit through a few hours of pain for a lifetime of art. My tattoos aren't an expression of who I am, they are an extension. My tattoos are mine and I hope that you will appreciate them for what they are. If you have good tattoos, I will find you more attractive; but its not a deal breaker for me. Just like whether or not you have a green thumb with plants, or like the beach. All bonuses but not necessity. But serious bonuses.

Please travel with me. I love weekend roadtrips via car or train. I love flying across the country even though it takes all day. There are so many places that I want to see, photograph, and write about; and it would be more fun to do it with you. Where do you want to go? (Please say Iceland, because thats my number one.)

And aside from all of these slightly superficial (though important) things that I think you should know about me, there are very basic things I ask of you. - Pllease be caring. And appreciative. Please be good to me - and not just in the breakfast-in-bed ways. Please do your best to be honest, mean what you say, think before you speak. I know what its like to have a hard time with those things, because sometimes I try too hard to be what I think I should be instead of just what I am; but please try. Do your best to understand me and let me understand you; I want to know you and what you need from life. I require communication like sunlight, and I don't ask for much else. Please be devilishly handsome and have a good job, too; and if you make me fall in love with you, you better be ready. I'm not graceful, sometimes I'm too loud, and I can't find my way anywhere without my GPS - but I love hard and fully and awesomely. 

And I don't know if I'll know you right away when I meet you - but you will think I'm shy. And you'll wish you could have read this first!